More Glorious and Bright: We don't swim alone...

I'm not going to sugarcoat it: these past two weeks have been hard. Really hard. I could go into exquisite detail about it but I'll restrict myself to a lovely metaphor my half-asleep mind dreamed up last night :)

You remember the kiddie pools from that my friends and I all had when we were little? Every family seemed to have one. The big, ugly blue tubs with ducks patterned all over them that mom filled with the backyard hose. You'd get grass and dirt in it but it didn't matter because you didn't swim in this big blue inside-out boat. You sat in it, and got wet, and were happy. The tub was your ocean. Maybe the water was a little lukewarm, but who cared?

Now imagine you're in a big black helicopter above the ocean. It's nighttime. The rotors make windy little dents in the water's surface. You are very high up. The water is very far down. You don’t have precise perception of distance, but imagine that maybe you can see shapes in the inky blackness. The pilot informs you through the headphones that a large horde of sharks appear to be circling beneath the helicopter. Your time comes and you jump into the water.

In the kiddie pool or even a normal pool maybe you learned some swimstrokes. Your instructor told you that the ocean had some big waves but nothing you couldn't handle. You snapped on your swimcap and dove in.

My time came and I took the jump. Sometimes I still don't feel in control here. That's an understatement: I've been in uncontrollable freefall ever since I left the MTC kiddie pool. Sometimes I think I've hit the water. Sink or swim. The water is culture-shocking cold and unexpected currents sweep me in every direction, and, yes, I've even met a couple of sharks.

But no matter how overwhelmed I feel by the depths of this vast ocean I've jumped into, no matter how many storms mutter like angry old men on the horizon, no matter how tired my arms get from trying to stay afloat -- I know a couple of key, basic strokes. I know every drop of salty water raises the ocean a little bit higher. I know I don't swim alone.

I loved Jeffrey R. Holland's talk from conference last week, about being rescued by a pair of hands. It reminded me of the story of Peter walking on water. When he stepped from the boat, he had his eyes fixed on the Savior; he began to sink when he looked at the raging tempest he was placing his feet so precariously on. When I feel discouraged I remember why I'm here. I put a sticky note on the door that reminds me every time I walk out that I'm here because I love Him, and love His work. I know that He loves me too, and that's what has floated me through this week. It hasn't exactly been a pleasure cruise :)

But it has been an important week in my life. I got to share my testimony to our investigator Hayaybeen (that's the closest I can get to romanizing her name) and she started crying. She's been taking the discussions for 4 months and hasn't ever shown any emotion. We invited her to conference and she accepted; she invited us to lunch and we accepted. It was so good to feel her trust!

We had an amazing miracle the other night as well. This creepy drunk man followed us around and started trying to talk to us and let him buy us food or something and follow him. He was really weird. Right when we were getting a little freaked out...the elders showed up! They walked with us for a while and offered to walk us home, but we had an appointment to get to. It was really a miracle that they showed up then. Our area is pretty big and I know it wasn't a coincidence. God is looking out for missionaries, for us, and for me. He cares about all of us individually.

My companion ate a hot dog for the first time, which was hilarious. She loved it. Then the next day at the mission home they had hot dogs again and she ate like 3. It was awesome.

I watched General Conference with the elders in English, which was great. I'm the only English speaking sister here. I overheard one of the elders say, "Sometimes I think I'm doing okay on my Christlike attributes but then I watch conference and realize I have a long way to go."

One interesting thing: we went to go do service at the Seventh-Day Adventist church and filled out a lot of forms. But they kept asking us to remove our nametags. We kept saying no. They asked us to cover them up; we still said no. They asked us to leave and we said okay. I was bummed. I've been dying to do a service activity. This one was with blind people who obviously couldn't even see our nametags...

It's been a crazy week but I know it will only get better. I already understand more Korean and can say more things, and I say hi to everyone I meet. I was able to have some really great conversations with people on the bus the other day! It's inch by inch that I'm making progress but I know it's coming. I'm so grateful for my family. I love the gospel and wouldn't trade this week for another one somewhere else. I know it's all going to help...in the long run :) God's gospel is one for people who are progressing, not perfect people. I have a long way to go but I know I can do it with Him by my side!

xoxo,
벨 자매